When do you, as a caregiver, decide it is time to take your loved one’s car keys?

October 28th, 2023

By Johanna Hernandez

Imagine you are just going about your day, running your errands, and minding your own business. Do you see that? Now, imagine that while in the grocery store parking lot, you notice that there is a man driving who is obviously unsafe. What do you do?

Since the pandemic, I have figured out ways to lighten my load. One of the ways I have done this is doing my grocery shopping online. When you do this, you have to schedule pick up time. Of course, I scheduled mine 4 hours later, but then I got caught up in a project. I was running a little behind because of it. I get to the parking lot of the grocery store, check in and wait for the staff member to bring my groceries out. A tall thin middle-aged man comes to my car, verifies it is me, and then proceeds to load groceries in my car.

What happens next is unbelievable. I hear the man screaming, “STOP THE CAR!!!! THERE ARE KIDS HERE!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!? STOP THE CAR!!” I look in panic, I see this young girl, running with the car, while she has the front door open, begging for this driver to stop the car. A bunch of people are chasing this blue sedan. The car is going about 10-15 miles an hour. I see panic in the young girl’s face. The car turns around the corner in the parking lot and then it stops. The girl’s face is now relaxed. Instantly, she is attempting to convince the person driving to get out of the car. People start to surround the car attempting to get him out. I immediately saw this as an elderly man who was confused. I noticed that he was starting to panic. He is looking around confused and unsure why everyone is screaming at him. I jumped out of my car and started to run to his car yelling at everyone to “STOP!” I quickly yelled out, he is confused and has dementia. I tell everyone that I am a nurse, and I am trained as a dementia specialist. I asked everyone to please give me some space. I go to the elderly man and introduce myself. I notice he is frail, and he speaks with a strong Italian accent. I talked to him for a minute. He is now starting to calm down. He loosens the grip of the steering wheel and continues to talk to me. He tells me he is going home. He just came to the store to get some groceries. I did not see any bags in the car. I continue to engage the man in a conversation. During this time a woman comes over and starts to question him again, “Sir, where are you going? Do you need help? Why didn’t you stop? Do you know that you could’ve killed someone?” I spoke loudly and sternly and asked her to stop. I got this. Please leave him alone. The staff then told her to please walk away, that I am a nurse and a trained professional for these kinds of situations. The woman gets upset and proceeds to walk away as she is stating she is a nurse also and was just trying to help. I thanked her for trying and let her know that at this time her assistance is not needed. My focus goes back to the man in the car whose facial expression was full of fear. I calmed him down again by talking to him about his family, I distracted him, turned off his car, and grabbed his keys. By this time, the staff had called 911. I continued to have a conversation with him. I asked him his wife’s name. He said her name was Isabel. He could not remember her number. He realizes his keys are missing and he says he lost his keys. I “assist” in finding his keys. We looked all over the car. I noticed yellow paint scratches on the car. The staff says it is from him hitting the yellow poles in the parking lot. I asked the man if I could look in his glove box and he said “ok”. I find a home number in some of the paperwork and call the number. After 3 rings a woman with a thick accent picks up. I introduce myself and ask for Isabel. She replies as herself. I proceeded to tell her that her husband is safe, but someone needs to come get him. I explained what happened. She started to cry. You could hear the desperation in her voice. She was sending her son to pick him up. I stayed with the man while staff stood on standby until police came and were safely able to get him home.

Could this have been an avoidable event? Maybe. This is no one person's fault. This family was obviously in distress and overwhelmed. They are doing the best they can with the resources they have. That is not enough.

What Next?

The first thing is scheduling an appointment with the Primary Care Physician. They are the ones that can write to the state to revoke your loved one’s (LO) license away. In the meantime, hide the keys. You can hide a GPS Tracker on the car. This will allow you to locate your loved one at any given time. It might feel unethical or sneaky, but it is important to keep your LO safe. If your LO keeps wanting to leave, ask them where they want to go or what they might need. This way you can say something like “Oh, you know what? I have to go to the store too. I need to get some stuff for the house”. Take them out to the store. You will have a day out with your LO and then maybe they will rest more peacefully in the evening. Are you worried about your loved one leaving while everyone is sleeping? Look into getting a door alarm. It will sound whenever someone opens the door.

The Best We Can

This is not a 100% solution. We are all doing the best we can with the resources we have. We must rely on each other and remember that we are not alone. We must keep our LO’s safe while we keep ourselves sane. It is the only way we can survive this dreadful disease. It might feel like we are taking our LO’s rights away but remember that it is always safety first. Would you let your LO drive your car or drive your kids to school? Ask yourself this question and then you will know your next steps.

Remember to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

If you are interested in finding out your next steps when finding out your LO has dementia, visit my website and sign up for my Newsletter.

JOHANNA HERNANDEZ

Dementia Advocate/Holistic Coach

Johanna Hernandez is an advocate for Dementia Caregivers. She believes that everyone should have access to resources such as education in dementia. She also believes that you MUST take care of yourself while care for others. Johanna works on overall wellness. She approaches situations Holistically. She is a coach that works with people that want to get overall healthy with a specialty in dementia. This could be in health & wellness, pain relief, and life. The goal is to get well so that you can live your life to the fullest. To learn more about Johanna, work with her, or see what she offers visit her site.

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